Messenger Scandal

I have been working since I was 16. I have held 6 jobs since then. I have gotten along with all of my co-workers and upper management. Of course, there is going to be gossip here and there. I have done it and I am sure there have been individuals who have gossiped about me.

I have been at my present employer for 2 years in mid September. I remember on my 1ST DAY of work, while I was being trained my Supervisor had told me to not talk to too many people because there is a lot of gossip that goes around. I nodded my head thinking, “Ok, couldn’t be that mad. There is gossip everywhere.”

That day, I have lunch with another Supervisor and another co-worker. They basically told me the same thing. And then the Supervisor began talking about OTHER management. I was set back at this point. I have never been in a company where on the 1st day of employment I am warned about department gossip then hear management talking bad about other management. Of course, I knew that occurred…maybe back and forth between people that are on the same level, but in front of lower level employees that you are over? Never.

In the “almost” 2yrs that I have worked here, I have never heard so much gossip IN THE WORKPLACE in my LIFE! And it’s everything you can think of…from people getting fired, to Supervisors having an affair with employees to Supervisors getting demoted. Lol It’s crazy!

Early February, management divided up my department into 2 parts. My part was more of the successful group who has achieved more and they wanted us to do other projects. It was also smaller…about 13 people compared to the other group, which were about 50. I loved it. Less commotion, less people to see, less drama, less everything!

But, then it started again. You see, management gave us the option of downloading Yahoo Messenger. We can just send a message to another co-worker or a Supervisor without having to get up or send an email and having to wait another hour for a response from that. Of course, a lot of us have been using it just to have casual conversations not work related and I know I am guilty of that.

My co-workers know I have a boyfriend. They know he lives in Chicago and they know I am trying to move there to be closer to him. And that’s all they know. They know nothing about him personal and they have no clue about him professional.

Monday and today of this week I haven’t been feeling well. I had a huge headache all yesterday and I started my period today and have terrible cramps because of it (Sorry men out there lol). So, I haven’t been really social to everyone. I been keeping to myself and while everyone was asking me why I was so quiet, I just said nothing and kept working.

This morning I came in to work, turned on my computer and once on, turned on my Yahoo Messenger. I had 3 Offline Messages (For those not familiar with Yahoo Messenger…when you are offline and someone sends you a message you automatically get it once you log back on). The one that stuck out was from my co-worker and this is what it said: “and i know you are right, she has to learn on her own.......but tell me how he can be so intimidating to her all the way from Chicago, how is a dude gonna control you from another state and you say he wont even come here.....please” This message is obviously talking about my boyfriend and I (Whom lives in Chicago) and how, for whatever reason, they think he is controlling me? I don’t care what it means, I don’t care what the person that sent it thinks of my boyfriend, but I do care how my name is once again being thrown in the dirt…and somehow my poor boyfriend is coming along as well (Which really angers me even more because these people DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM…LET ALONE HAVE MET HIM!)

The even more sad part about this is that the person that sent this…she obviously meant to send this to another person. But by her “talking bout me” she made a mistake, picked my name from her Messenger List and sent it to me. This person is someone I have gone to on many occasions to discuss OTHER things I wanted to talk to someone about. I told her about my future wedding plans (Not engaged but ever so often I fantasize about it lol), my wedding scrapbook I am making, problems I have had with other people, the hours we do at work, how I cant wait to move to Chicago but never personal information about my relationship. I told my boyfriend about the situation and he said I should ask her about. Just ask if the message was meant for someone else and see what she says. He even said I should print it out and let her read it herself. I thought this was a great idea and did just that. I didn’t have an attitude when I did this and just smiled and waited for what she was going to say…and guess what it was…”I was actually talking to Pat (Another co-worker) and these first few words are mine but I don’t know where the rest came from” She then began to explain how maybe the IM’s got intertwined like the phone lines…when you can hear other people phone calls…maybe that’s what happened here and this is someone else’s message. Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhattttttttt!!!!!!!!!!! First of all, I know she is new to Yahoo, but that just doesn’t make since at all. Whoever you send the message to…THAT PERSON IS GOING TO GET IT! You fucked up! Yo ass got caught now cough the TRUTH up! I am tripping so hard on her because this is someone I confided in and trusted. And it hurt that she stabbed me in the back…and for some reason, she is not the first…

Another co-worker I was getting close to stood me up a couple times when I invited her to go out. I let that go and we start going to the gym together. Talking everyday on the Instant Messenger. Same co-worker, I told her about my cousin that was PLAYING HER ASS so she wouldn’t look like too big of a dumb ass that she was dating a married man (And I hear she is still talking to his ass...damn bitch, is the dick that good!)! And you know how she thanked me? She stops talking to me…claims I did something to piss her off and when I ask her about it she doesn’t want to tell me why and then continues to not talk to me. Which is fine. One less bitch to deal with.

ANOTHER co-worker of mine is fucking Bi-Polar! One day she is talking my fucking ear off non-stop and the next she has a damn attitude and turns her WHOLE fucking chair around to have her back facing me and doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the day…then the next day she is hyper as hell again! I can’t take this shit! I aint used to meeting people like that!

I am already stressed at work because I am not getting paid enough and I am working 55hrs a week … Why is my life and my relationship so damn interesting to people?!?!

I am here to do 1 job. WORK. I am not here to meet friends. I would have liked to along the way but it looks like that shit is not going to happen. Therefore, leave me alone; leave my business alone and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, KEEP MY NAME AND THOUGHTS OF MY MAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD! I don’t know how else I can make that clear!

P.S. Instant Messengers are a dangerous thing (Especially for me…I don’t know why I keep getting messed up in these Yahoo scandals lol). If you don’t know how to use it, I suggest you don’t!

My Friend "Other Friend's"

I had a lot of friends in High School. Some of which I talked to when I graduated and only 1 has stuck with me til this day.

I value friendship very deeply. I have always believed I should have trust, honest and loyalty in that person and she should be able to gain that from me.

For about a year now, I have been noticing my friend going out with her “other friends”. It didn’t really seem to bother me until I realized she never invited me to hang out with her “other friends”. When her and I hung out, it was just she and I and we would go to the bar, out to eat or just hang out at her house. No one else. Nothing big. Just her and I. Which I didn’t mind because we always had a great time together. No drama. Just great alcohol and laughter.

There are so many Social Networks out there today and I was just browsing and found her Twitter site (No, I am not one of those internet stalker chicks that reads people I know Blogs and what-have-you lol) and noticed her saying things that she is going out with old friends, going out to eat and how she had fun doing this and that…and I am thinking, “Why wasn’t I invited? I wasn’t doing anything that night!” I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t annoyed but it did make me a little sad. I just didn’t quite understand why she wasn’t inviting me to all these different events she was going to. I can understand if I was busy, but she never even asked! Maybe she thinks I don’t fit with her “other friends” and she is just trying to hide me…I have no clue. I don’t think I will bring this up with her. I think it will just embarrass me, because maybe I am thinking way too much into it. I don’t want to the whiney girl crying because she doesn’t get invited anywhere. It’s not like that at all.

But, I think it will always be in the back of my mind.

Have you guys ever had this situation happen to you? Different friend clicks even though you are pretty good friends with this person that doesn’t invite you anywhere?

Ladies, I Have Heard It All...Part 2

This is the conclustion of my Blog, "Ladies, I Have Heard It All". Before I posted that Blog, I told that guy that I was talking about that I was going to write a blog about him because of the craziness he was talking about and I just wanted everyone to know. He said he was fine with it and all he asked was for me not to put his screen name. A in it and I agreed.

Today, I was on Yahoo Messenger again and he IM'ed me about the Blog. I told him to go read it. The 1st thing he commented on was the description I wrote about him. He said, "defamation of character is coming up fo sure".

I told him thats what he decribed he looked like and that was my first impression from what I saw from his pic. Then he was made how the comments were basically calling him immature (Which he is...so whats the problem). He then said, "terrance howard... i aint flva flave either. And for the record its mostly muscle when i bulk up during winter" (Which I could care less about). Then he tells me he is going to file a lawsuit and in his lawsuit he is going to tell them what I do on company time (Sometimes when I talk go him on Y! Messenger I at work) which is none of his BUSINESS! So I dont know where he is going with that. That shit don't scare me and I told him how does he know I don't talk to him while I am on my lunch?

I then told him I was getting irritated and he said he should be the one thats irritated because I "broke that confedentiality "yahoo code"' I said that I told him what I was going to write so what the fuck he is problem? I asked him what was he really mad about? Was he really mad about the Blog or that I said he wasn't no Terrance Howard and asked him why he was crying. He said he is tired of trifling people are. And then he said this: "Its all good blog lady. I dont care to terrance Howard in the least. But thats how u high yellow people do it. House slave mentality but its all good."

And you know what? I didnt even go it his level. I knew he wanted me to argue back and maybe if I was face to face with this bitch I would have but I am not one to argue over the net. Its childish as hell. So I told him to take me off his list and never IM me again. I am not AT ALL scared of his crazy ass lawsuit..cause HE HAS NONE! I told him everything I was going to blog about so...come on...come up with something better than that!

He's a bitch and near 40yrs old and still single because no respectable woman WOULD EVER have a serious committment with his black ugly ass!

He is the one that should be sorry evr made me mad. Because ofths I am giving out his screen name, ladies if you ever want to IM him to cuss him the fuck out!

His screen name on Yahoo Messenger is blackpharaoh74.

DON'T EVER FUCK WITH ME AGAIN BITCH! AND I HOPE THAT BITCH ASS NIGGA READS THIS SHIT! FUCK YOU AND GO TO HELL NIGGA!!!

Big Girls Don't Cry

It has taken years for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. It all started when I entered middle school. I got my period at the age of 11. My breasts starting growing like crazy and before I know it, I was in the 6th grade with a 34D bra. My hips were getting wider. I had fat cubby cheeks (Which I still have). I was very shapely, but I wasn’t fat, but in my eyes it was embarrassing. No one in my class nor anyone else I knew that was the same age, at that time, was going through what I was. I didn’t like it…I hated it.

At the time, my mother didn’t believe I was developing early, but that I was just getting fat. Because she thought it…that’s what I started to believe…which made me want to eat more. I have 4 sisters and all of them were skinny, therefore, I was the odd child out. This is when they started the name-calling. I was called fat in so many different ways I can’t even describe. It wasn’t a good time in my life. Yes, I had 2 parents who loved me, I lived in a great home and neighborhood and went to a great school but I was hurting inside. I was going through something no one educated me on. My body was changing and I was looking different from other girls and I had no idea why. My parents didn’t teach me about body changing and puberty. Maybe because she didn’t think she had to because I was still so young and my sisters were much older when they experienced it. My own family was calling me names because they were seeing I was growing different from them and to them it was fat and ugliness.

Therefore, I felt extremely ugly and developed low self-confidence in myself. As I went through high school, I did gain more weight. I was a size 12 and still felt extremely ugly. I didn't know how to feel sexy about myself. I didn’t know how to love my body. I started caring about what others thought of me. I knew certain people's opinions shouldn't matter, but at times a person will determine their self-worth based on what people say about them. Being talked about and called mean names will hurt the average person, I don't care how they act on the outside.

It took me until my junior year in college to finally realize, I will never be a size 4 and probably not even a size 10. But as long as I am happy and love myself…that is all that matters. I began to know what feels right for me. You have to find the right hairstyle and the right clothes to feel sexy. You have to study your body and take an interest in what you like the best. Accentuate those areas that you like the best and confine the ones you don’t. Example: I wear jeans that accentuate my hips and shirts that make my breasts fuller (Even though they don’t need to look ANY fuller lol) and my waist look smaller, and when I take it all off I’m still happy that there is such a thing made just for me.

Today I am a size 15 (At one point I was at a size 18, but started working out and losing weight) and loving me, myself and my body more and more everyday. I still have my days where I want to change things about my body, but I still love me. I guess, I can be described under the category of BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman) and I will defiantly take on the title because we are beautiful in everyway.

When it comes to poking fun at those that may be a little or even a great deal overweight can be devastating to those that are being poked fun at. It's not necessary, just like big people picking on skinny people aren’t necessary. Being too skinny and being too big can be unhealthy, so it's all bad. It’s terrible when people have to defend themselves or argue personal beliefs or lifestyles, when we all are beautiful in many ways despite size. We need to embrace the good and not be so critical of what we feel is bad. While I do agree with many of the issues especially health, weight gain or loss, and poor eating habits and dieting that cause disease, if one of my big girls or fat boys wants to eat, live, dress and express who they are in a way that others may disagree fine, disagree. But let us not have a disrespectful attitude towards people that are that does nothing to elevate or enhance the beauty of being BIG. Surely we can discuss other things that would help us to live better as big people and not feel bad about it. Many of us had to deal with issues since childhood about our weight, is it fair that we still have to face those same issues: ABOUT WEIGHT, when we have matured and developed on the inside no longer the same person internally but judged externally because of unburned calories that turn into FAT.

It does not matter the size or shape of a man or woman to determine whether they are attractive or not. Furthermore, if a person worries about what another person thinks of them then that in it is low self-esteem (I had to learn that myself). There are many big women and men in this world and it is not up to us to make a judgment on whether they are attractive or not. If a certain person is attractive to you then how big or small they are should not be an issue. There are many individuals who are not heavy that are not attractive to some people. In addition, there are many individuals who are not heavy and also have health issues. Just because a person is heavy does not always mean they have health issues, and just because a person is small does not mean they do not have health issues. The bottom line is this, why did you ask the question at all? What reason are you trying to determine if heavy women are really attractive? All women, who loves themselves first and believe in themselves first and not care what another person thinks of them is very attractive whether they are heavy or small. We all came from the same God and God did not create anything ugly. We all came from the same God and God did not create anything ugly. Our personalities and who we are on the inside can truly determine what we look to others on the outside.

Ladies, I Have Heard It All...

We can have Yahoo Messenger up at my job to talk to other co-workers about work things rather than email, but of course, I have to be the bad girl and sometimes use ot for my own personal use. I was a little bored so I went into a Yahoo Chat and this guy started chating with me. I love Yahoo Messenger! I been on there since I was in middle school so I know all the games when it comes to Instant Messenging lol.

I told him up front how I got a man (I like for men to know so they know I am NOT going to have cyber with them..yes people still do that). We came upon the conversation of couples living together then marriage. I told him when I do live in the same state as my man I would like to have my own place and then maybe talk about living together at a later date. He agreed and said thats exactly what he likes because he gets tired of women and don't like to be with them 24/7 plus he wants to be able to "miss her". I was like oooookay and told him that eventually I would like to move in with my man but right now we straight just living separately.

He then went on to say how he knows how he is and he will get tired of being with a woman every single day so when he does get married...him and his wife will leave at different houses and see each other maybe 3 times a week (He doesn't want to see her everyday). I was so confused when he said this so I asked if there a big reason why you wouldn't want to see your wife everyday? Is the only reason because you want to be able to miss her? Guess what he said ladies..."u're misunderstanding me. i would love her for her inteligence, poise, grace etc. thing is if i see u everyday i loose my admiration". I couldn't believe what I was READING! So I said that he must not really love her if he loses admiration for her that freakin quick.

He then went on to say its his "theory" that when he lives with women he begins to see the flaws in the person that he didnt see before. So I asked what the flaws were...I hope you are sitting down gurls! This motha fucka said, "dont hate a brother.... shes got more cellulite than i noticed before. she really aint all that with no make up on." Gurl's, I had to take a step back from my computer cause I was seriously about to hit something. I couldn't believe there is a man out there thinking like this...what if there's more? So this is what I said to him...first I asked what the hell he looked liked. He said he was 6" and weigh 225 but his pic looked like he was 260. He claims he lost all that weight. I couldn't really see his face but he wasn't no Terrance Howard! I then told him "no one is perfect. If you want a flawless barbie doll go buy one cause you not going to find one in this world. Even if you do, people age. We winkle, we have babies and get fat and our titties hang. What are you going to do...pay for her to go Dr. 90210 everytime you want somethng nipped and tucked? Thats crazy. What if she thought that shit of you. She woke up one day and said your dick too little or you too much of a fat ass or you just to plain ugly for her? Does that make you feel good? Thats really fucked up shit...you know you aint perfect and by the shit you just was saying looks like you got a lot of growing up to do and you almost damn near 40 (He said he was 34yrs old). But thats your opinion and your life so live it to the fullest." But I really think if you REALLY want a long lasting...

He understoodd where I was coming from but insisted that is how is he. I told him good luck in finding a woman to fullfill THOSE needs cause thats fuckin CRRRRRAZY!

I then asked for him to tell me how he would tell women his theory (He has said before he has had numerous women cuss him out when he talks to them about it) and said he never would actually tell women he is dating! Wow. I really feel bad for the woman who get this man...he's def a winner!

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Every since I was younger, I always wanted to have many friends. I wanted everyone to like me. I loved the idea of having a lot of great girlfriends to go to when I was having problems or just to go out with. In my eyes, having great friends were a necessity because who doesn’t have friends?

As I got older, I noticed how women minds change and they start to argue more than men, gossip and even hold grudges for a long period of time. There are a lot of women who are hard to get along with. I never agreed with this before, but as I get older the more I believe its true. You never hear men saying “I aint hanging with him because he always talking bout me!” Men don’t do petty shit like that. I am sure there are some out there but the women are outweighing men in this category. They all hang out and actually get along! Thank God, I have a great and versatile personality where I have never had a problem communicating or getting along with anyone. People love me! I have a great personality, have great communication skills and I very good listener.

I have heard so many times women say they have a lot of male friends for this simple reason: They can’t get along with women.

Why is that? Are you that immature or that stuck up? Are your friends not enough sluts for you or do you keep taking your friends man? Are you a hater and just get jealous easily? Or are you just a plain fucking bitch? I am not calling any particular woman out, but a situation I have had recently just got me thinking about this…

I recently wrote a Blog titled ”Miss Independent Woman”. It was about how I don’t agree with women dating men who have money for the simple reason to have them pay for everything. I think people should grow up, make their own money and support themselves (If they can’t financially that’s another story but if someone is deliberately trying to get with someone because of the fact they want their bills paid…that’s a gold-digger). This Blog was a rebuttal from a Blog I read from a co-worker of mine. That was her opinion that she wants a man to pay for everything for her and it was mine to voice the opposite of that. That’s what Blogs are for…to vent and voice your opinions however you like. The url on this site is http://www.livefearconquer.blogspot.com/ so if you don’t like what you read please move on. These are my opinions and my views.

I believe this person read this particular Blog because she stopped talking to me unexpectedly…for months. I was very surprised, because like I said before, I get along with everyone…I don’t have problems with anyone…I don’t argue (Unless I have to) I am pretty loveable…seriously (LOL). So I asked her if I did something wrong and she said I did piss her off but now she is over it…but she won’t tell me what I did. Which I thought was pretty immature. If I have a problem with anyone (Especially someone I thought I was tight with), I would let them know why they made me mad and move on…someone people rather hold grudges and rather ruin something that could have been a great friendship in a mess.

So I decided I am through. I am so tired of reaching out to people who don’t give a fuck. I am 25 and I have great friends (I don’t have much but I rather have a few then a lot of bitches who claim they got my back) behind me, I have my man, family (When they getting on my nerves) and God. That’s all I need. I will continue to be nice and courteous to people, of course, but I am not going to go out my way to hang out with people (Get stood up a couple times, but that’s ANOTHER BLOG PEOPLE), befriend them and they get mad about something so little and petty and never want to talk to me again in life. What’s the point? Seriously. That’s a thing you did in high school. We are grown! I would never stop talking to someone for them expressing their opinions. But then again…I really don’t know if this is the reason…this is a really good guess…because I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary so…if its not my bad (LOL But this has turned into a really good Blog and everything I have said it still true regarding women not getting along with other women).

So I am going to continue to live my life…continue to write what I want and how I want to. Continue to work and make my money and pay my own bills and handle mines!

I am a very open-minded individual and love making friends so everyone is welcome in my world!

Happy 4th Of July Eve

I am so excited I am going to be heading my way to Chicago, IL tomorrow evening to spend the holiday and weekend with my man. We have been doing this long distance thing for awhile now and I can't wait until the day when we will be together...

I hope everyone has a great holiday and has lots to eat. Don't get too close tro the firecrackers!