Having My Guard Up...

I have been talked about...

I have had my business told...

I have had my name put through the dirt...

I guess people would say those things are apart of going through life. But does that make it right?

I have a problem of trusting people...but I really don't see it as a "problem". People have FUCKED UP so bad with me in the past where now that's the only option I give myself. I have 3 best friends who I tell EVERYTHNG under the sun to...my boyfriend, and 2 girl friends. I know when I tell these people my personal things, I know they are not going to tell anyone, I know they are not going to judge me and I know they are going to give me their honest opinions. Therefore, I don't tell my business. If I do, its small things that don't mean too much.

The saddest part to me is I have 4 sisters...and I don't trust ANY of them. I have known families where all the children are girls and I have noticed how all of them are so close. But not mine...maybe my sisters are just not close with me. Yes, I get along with them (on occassion) but the day I tell them a serious secret is the day pigs fly...cause it aint going to happen. They either tell each other, my cousins or my mom! And who wants their parents to hear their secrets? It's fucked up shit and just gives me another reason to keep my shit to myself!

As I grow older, I also notice more and more how,sadly, women are most people who are really fucking everything up. Not all women...but a lot of women! I had this conversation with my boyfriend one time. He is 34 and never in his "adult" life (I dont think his childhood counts...all those stupid things we did) went to a man to tell him another man's business. It just doesn't happen a lot with men. Probably because THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT! Women love gossping, we love the drama and we love arguing!

I am going to be 25 next month and if you guys really want to know one truth about me. I can't stand people talking about me and putting my business out there...I hate it! And the thing is, I am not like that with my friends. If one of them tells me something in confidence I am going to stand by that and don't tell anyone. I am a God-fearing woman and I try my best to live my life right and to cherish the "real friends" I do have because I don't have many because of the fact that I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE. That's the kind of person I am...

I don't need the drama in my life. I have cut off sooo many people in my life because of their drama. And you know what? It was the best thing I ever did. I have grown, I have matured and I am a real woman. And I think having my guard up is safe for me. I have my best friends and my faith. Thats all I need. Maybe some people don't think having their guard up is a good thing...but for me it's the best.